my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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