Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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