Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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