Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
