I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
