when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
