Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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