Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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