grandma shit on top of the toilet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize