; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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