I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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