when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize