One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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