my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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