I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
