mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
