This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
