soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
