One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
