I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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