the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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