well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
