my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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