I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Watching her eat just hurts me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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