I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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