Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
