guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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