6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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