Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
