The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
