I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
