Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
