hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
