you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
