barbara walters just said penis...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Your penis caused this!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
