You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
