wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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