Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
