You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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