Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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