just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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