there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
