If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
