I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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