Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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