8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
