My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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