I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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