I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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