by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
