with your own penis?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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