bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
