Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
