fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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