Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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