he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
