I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
