the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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