I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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