How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
