I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
