the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize